If you weren’t familiar with Peter Jackson before that whole Lord of the Rings stuff, then check out this classic gem which clearly influenced The Mighty Hollywood Powers to put him in charge of a massive three-picture multi-million dollar franchise.
It starts off innocently enough; a trip to Strange Foreignland to bring back an evil rat monkey for a zoo in New Zealand, a comely Spanish girl falls in love with a fuddling mama’s boy because her crazy-eyed gypsy grandma says so, and OH MY GOD PEOPLE ARE EATING THEIR OWN EARS.
Better known as Braindead anywhere else but the ‘States, Dead Alive is easily one of the most goriest, silliest, straight-up insane comedy horrors to ever be created on a modest budget. There are things that simply defy conventional imagination, like fat-cheeked zombie babies riding around in split heads, kung-fu priests with no patience for leather-clad ruffians, and the importance of reading labels on suspicious jars of poison.
Jackson is someone who understands the importance of “the big finish,” and boy oh boy does he give it in spades here. There’s nothing wrong with your screen; that red-orange tinge you’re seeing is the mass amount of PEOPLE STUFF left over from the climax. Not since Evil Dead 2 has a movie had so many satisfyingly ridiculous blood & guts moments while still keeping its captive audience laughing and screaming at the same time.
This movie is bad. It’s so bad that the ending is catapulted to levels of extreme awesomeness nary achieved in the history of terribly amazing horror films.
Director Brian Yuzna, based known from the Re-Animator films, has a habit of making half-assed political and social statements in his silly scare-fests, and in his first major feature he jumped straight to the high class. In this Beverly Hills community, Bill, a young guy in a well-to-do family who’s at the top of his game before he’s even hit college, is starting to suspect there’s something weird and sinister going on with his family. Why it took him nearly two decades to notice that sometimes his sister’s head is facing the wrong side or that there are people in the neighborhood who like to eat hair, we will never know.
While there’s a a simple set up for a weird secret society murder plot going on, and an uncomfortable romance between the star and his flexible wannabe-girlfriend, it’s told in such a campy way with some of the worst acting ever that it is incredibly entertaining to just make fun of. You’ll be MST3King your way up until the last 15 or so minutes when everything, to put it lightly, goes bat-shit crazy.
Like Dead Alive, Society is a movie you watch with a group of friends. It’s better with alcohol but, really, don’t overdo it because your stomach might not be able to handle itself during the shunting. And that’s all I’ll say on the subject. The subject of the shunting.
Let me tell you something about horror films: I love them. And yet, they spurn me. There are so few actual good ones and so few of those are good in literal quality, not just “absolutely hilarious in its awfulness.” Heck, I even have trouble pronouncing “horror,” leading to very embarrassing situations. It would seem the stars defy me to love the genre, yet I do. And that love will be shared by telling you the best ones to enjoy this All Hollows’ Eve from your local Videology.
Sam Raimi is perhaps best known for being “that guy who made two reallygreat and one really, really bad Spider-Man movie.” But true fans know him as the creator of the epic EvilDeadtrilogy. You see, horror is easy to do on the cheap, something Raimi exploited for his first major film and then followed it up with two incredible sequels that defined slapstick horror. He’s a bit of a master at this craft. Remember the scene with Dr. Octopus’ arms coming to life in the hospital? That shit was freaky.
So thank gosh he came back to his roots for what is easily one of the best films of the year.
The story is about a young, doe-eyed woman trying to get a promotion at her bank job. She’s probably never even used a penny from the penny tray at the store. But she needs that promotion if she’s going to marry a talking computer boy. So when an old woman… okay, you know what? Skip to the end. The chick gets cursed by a gypsy and there is just no way around that. You are screwed. Thus she spends the movie trying to save her very soul while being haunted so as not to be taken to a fiery doom for all of eternity.
Going into Drag Me To Hell, you need to leave your disbelief at the door and just enjoy what’s happening. It’s absurd, it’s silly at times, once in a while you might even jump, but mostly it is just plain fun.
The go-to film recommendation for people wanting a scary movie that’s not more than 15 years old, the Descent is genuinely jump-worthy and cringe-heavy even in the beginning.
A group of ladies get together for a cave expedition, because apparently they’re way more hardcore than they look. And in this cave… terrible things happen. That’s really all that needs to be said. Heck, even before the terrible things show up, it’s an unnerving film to watch in the dark from the claustrophobic sensations it dishes out.
It’s certainly not the most revolutionary film, especially in terms of plot details, but there’s a genuinely scary sense of realism despite some of the things that, on the surface, should be pretty damn silly. It’s also damn unrelenting and not in a Hostel sort of way.
Purists should do their best to make sure they watch the original ending over the US version. You won’t be disappointed.
This movie is not scary. But! It has great indie cred in its cast, a soundtrack by Kelley Deal of the Breeders, and some really adorable moments. And then it gets wacky and Halloween-appropriate. Poor, shy veterinarian May just wants to be loved but everyone else is so selfish and nasty. Time and again, she’s tricked into falling for a boy or (as the case may be) a girl, only to be jilted once more. All she has is her doll that she talks to and the screwed up memories of childhood. Golly, I hope nothing really terrible happens to tip her over the edge into a vixen-y rampage!
Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you two things: 1) I am really amazing, and 2) I love extremely over-the-top movies. Movies like Barbarella, Evil Dead 2, and practically anything from Japan. So recently a couple friends included me in what became known as THE GUN SHOW, a double feature outing of Rambo and Rocky Balboa, in what was probably the most epic Stallone-on-Stallone action since that time Sly’s mom went on the Howard Stern show and freaked out. Beer was had, meat was consumed, we laughed, we cried, we screamed at explosions, and now I’ll tell you all about them right here.
RAMBO
We started with Rambo because, if you’re familiar with any grindhouse setup, it is the way you roll. The big exciting one goes first and you stay for the second in hopes of nudity or at the very least something really gross at the end. And, man, was this ever the big exciting one.
The entire film is set in Burma, which I think is French for “don’t ever go there or horrible, just plain horrible things will happen to you and your family.” Maybe that’s not entirely true, but you can bet I won’t be booking a ticket anytime soon on Virgin Atlantic. Pretty much immediately, we see the military brutally wipe out an entire village. This was when we realized that, oh snap, this shit just got real. Usually movies that start with decapitation five minutes in are a laugh-a-minute but this just felt nasty. Which I guess was the point. The audience needed to understand the severity of the problem, a problem so severe that only one man and a small but elite band of mercenaries could handle.
So skipping all of the boring stuff (namely the plot), Rambo brings in a bunch of Big Bads into Burma to save some kidnapped bible-huggers. After some pretty slick cloak-and-dagger at the Den of Evil, John Goddamn Rambo finally rips a man’s throat out with his bare hands and then blows up half an island with an old World War 2 bomb. He then turns two men into jam using the biggest gun turret ever and decimates the entire Burmese army, ending the war for all of eternity.
If you’re watching Rambo for a story or anything, then you’re silly and should go home. But if you’re watching it for some ridiculous action, then that’s what you get. The final half hour runs at about 1,000 bullets a minute (that’s 30,000 bullets), people explode from arrows, a single bullet blows up two heads, limbs are lost and JUSTICE is had. I mean, this is the most Rambo says in the entire film: “You know what you are. What you’re made of. War is in your blood. Don’t fight it. You didn’t kill for your country. You killed for yourself. God’s never gonna make that go away. When you’re pushed, killing’s as easy as breathing.”
I think it’s safe to say that Rambo, aka Rambo 4: John Rambo, aka Rambo IV: End of Peace, aka Rambo IV: In the Serpent’s Eye, aka Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra, aka Rambo: First Blood IV, aka Rambo: To Hell and Back, aka John Goddamn Rambo is the most manly movie you will ever see and this includes Top Gun.
ROCKY BALBOA
I swear that if you watch these two movies back to back, you will be convinced that Sylvester Stallone is one of the greatest actor’s of the new Willennium. After exterminating an entire people, Sly one-ups himself by going back to sweet-hearted, dim-witted, hopeless romantic Rocky Balboa, with all of his blue collar wisdom still intact. If you’re familiar with the previous Rocky films (just go ahead and ignore Rocky V), then great, you know what’s up. If you’re not, well, you should really go back and watch the first one. And then skip right to the fourth because it’s 82% flashback montage of the previous films set to awesome 80s music. Done? Great! Now get ready to cry and feel those tingly pings of Manly Heartwarmth.
Admittedly the film is pretty slow most of the time despite the premise being established pretty quickly; Rocky feels pretty empty and lonely these days and a recent CGI simulation of 1976 Rocky vs. 2007 champ Mason “the Line” Dixon pumps him up to go out of the boxing world with a bang and not a whimper. And then Rocky has issues with his son who also talks out of the side of his mouth, and Paulie even gives an emotional mini-speech about his beloved sister Adrian. It’s pretty expected territory, nothing earth-shattering really happens, but it’s a very complacent finale to the series. And at the end he punches a tank so hard he starts a revolution on Mars.
Okay, not really, but that’s what I’m hoping we’ll see when I finish my script for Rambo 7000: Galactic Bullet Harpoons of Murder.
After all the bullets and punching, which film is more enjoyable? It’s hard to say but they were both way better than any of us expected, especially for two movies directed by and starring Stallone that brought back franchises that were pretty much dead in the water. I highly recommend this double-header, as it’s almost as good as that time my friends got together and watched The Passion of the Christ and then Dawn of the Dead.
Blockbuster season is here! Star Trek, Terminator, Wolverine, Harry Potter, Transformers, uhh… Brüno! Yeah! So let’s celebrate exploding things with three movies guaranteed to explode your friggin face off!
Big Trouble In Little China
Holy crap this movie is incredible. It has nearly everything; Chinese magic, gang wars, Raiden from Mortal Kombat, a floating eyeball blob thing, that lady from Sex In the City, trucks, and most of all… Kurt mothaeffin Russell! If that doesn’t get you giddy, I don’t know what will. But maybe this will help.
You see, there’s a war going on in Chinatown. It’s true. And at the middle of it all is a green-eyed Chinese girl who happens to be the girlfriend of a kung-fu master and best friend of truck-driver Jack Burton. And then a guy who looks like the Mandarin gets hit by a semi while screaming light and it all goes downhill from there. Downhill… into the underworld! There, Jack and Co. must save the girl and fight Thunder, Lightning, and Rain, along with some weird monsters and partner with pretty much the gnarliest magician ever.
Also it’s been suggested that the movie is a parable of the United States vs. the Axis of Evil. Which means the U.S. of A is a tank top-wearing, truck driving, uzi wielding, womanizing man’s man with a penchant for ranting into a CB radio. Sounds about right.
Danger: Diabolik
This is the sexiest movie ever created and there’s not even any real nudity in it (spoiler alert!). Made by Mario Bava, the Italian filmmaker credited with the most awesome movie titles ever (The Day the Sky Exploded, Kill, Baby… Kill!, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs) and based on an old pulp comic character, Diabolik is about the greatest thief the world has ever known. So great that he doesn’t even have a real name or at least one that’s spelled correctly.
From the first scene, we can tell that the Italian government is screwed and there is no remorse for them. In fact, over the course of the film, it’s almost certain that Diabolik completely bankrupts the entire country. And do you know what he does with all that money? He rolls around in it with his crazy-hot girlfriend, Eva Kant, a name so infuriating to Diabolik that he must constantly steal more shiney things just to prove her wrong.
There is almost nothing wrong with this movie. And anything that seems like it should be wrong (like taking a 10 minute sequence to stow stolen goods in his underground hideout or the one song on the soundtrack that they have to use over and over), immediately becomes super cool because, hey, it’s Diabolik and for some reason we can see his mouth through his mask! Radical.
Wild Zero
Have you ever sat in a bar and stared at someone, trying to figure out if they’re a boy or a girl and then wondering if you’re attracted to them and, in turn, what that means for your sexual identity? That’s what Wild Zero is like but with more zombies. Life-changing.
Let me break it down: when aliens visit Earth and start turning you and me into the brain-hungry undead, our only protection is the Ramones-loving Japanese punk band Guitar Wolf, which includes members Guitar Wolf (uhh), Bass Wolf and (wait for it…) Drum Wolf. But they’re so busy and so damn important that it takes their #1 fan and rock n’roll blood-brother, Ace, and his androgyneous maybe-girl/boyfriend Tobio to assemble the heroes and unleash what is probably the greatest final showdown created since Dead or Alive.
You come for the zombies and stay for the ‘Wolf. Why? Because they rock so hard that their microphones breathe fire and lightning shoots out of their guitars and the big battle at the end between the Captain, the naked girl with a gun, and a whole mess of zombies features so many unbelievably awesome moments that my fingers literally don’t know how to translate my thoughts into words. It’s so great that if someone said to me, “which one’s better, Machine Girl or Wild Zero?” I would simply convulse and then punch that person in the throat Liam Neeson-style and probably have to move away to a new town to start my life all over again, trying to forget that question for the rest of my days.
Eleven years after DVD was introduced you’d think that pretty much everything would be available in the format. Not so. There are still hundreds of titles not available on DVD. Many of them you’ve never heard of. Some of them you have. Here is our list of the top 10 films that we’d like to see sooner rather than later.
The Reflecting Skin (1991) (We have this on VHS)
A weird Lynchian childhood cautionary fable about the horrors of war and falling in love with vampires. It’s no wonder it hasn’t had a DVD release yet. Stars a young Viggo Mortensen.
Rubin and Ed (1992)
Another weird cautionary fable, this time about pyramid schemes and self-help groups. Stars Crispin Glover and his frozen cat.
Until the End of the World (1991) (We have this on VHS and Region 2 DVD)
I saw this a long time ago and only vaguely remember something about a nuclear incident that may or may not have destroyed civilization and an eclectic group of people hiding out in a secret laboratory in the Australian outback. What? Did any of that really happen?
Prospero’s Books (1991) Peter Greenaway’s films have been trickling onto DVD over the last several years, but we’re still waiting for this one.
Husbands (1970)
One of John Cassavetes earlier films, this was his next directorial effort after his critically acclaimed breakthrough, Faces.
They’re all chumps compared to the might of Machine Girl.
Normally, trailers are made out of the best bits of a movie, the kind of stuff that makes you want to jump out of your couch and hop to the theater to get, essentially, “more of that.” But a lot of times there’s not much more. The best jokes are used, the surprises are spoiled, the insane action is ruined. Not so in Machine Girl, the finest gift the Japanese could have given the world.
Even from the box-art, there’s a promise. It says, “this is going to be a bad-ass movie about a schoolgirl with a giant machinegun for an arm.” In return, you scoff and say, “pssh! I’ve seen Planet Terror and there was only, like, 5 minutes of machinegun-leg action!” To which the movie replies, two minutes in, “PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR BRAIN MELTED BY TOKYO BULLETS!”
Seriously. Even when formerly innocent Ami Hyuga doesn’t have the most lethal weapon of all time strapped to her stump, there are swords. Swords and tempura. And drill-bras. And — can you believe it? — a chainsaw. Guess how that one works? No, don’t worry. I’ll tell you:
Amazingly.
And if it’s plot you’re looking for, don’t worry! This one has the oldest story known to man. A tale about a young girl whose little brother is incessantly teased by bullies at school, to the point of murder. And after that, there can only be justice. And when justice fails, we all know what comes next:
Bloody revenge.
With the help of a reluctant ally, Ami shoots and slices her way through bullies, ninjas, yakuza, and deadly parents in mourning.
And, really, that’s more than you need to know. There’s no haxing of the internet or convoluted socio-political backdoor economic finagling, or deep dark secrets and hidden pasts, or a grossly disappointing extra-terrestrial ending, there is only Ami, her machinegun-for-an-arm, and buckets of fake blood.
There was not a single moment that a person can be bored while watching Machine Girl. It is ridiculously over-the-top from start to finish, with absurd ultraviolence shooting into your eyes like red hot bullets of righteousness. In true form of fairly low-budget gore movies, it doesn’t let silly things like “accurate details” or “believability” get in the way. Suspend your disbelief all you want, because once you see the return of the second mightiest weapon ever, the Flying Guillotine, you will understand at last that your mind simply cannot comprehend this much super awesomeness.
Now that’s a beautiful message we can all get behind.
